How to unlearn perfection and make space for real life 🌗

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This week, I had coffee with woman in my graduate class who I always thought looked very put together. Tailored clothes, glossy hair, perfectly organised notes in a binder. Then over coffee, she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do next, and that she has been feeling ungrounded since we began our program.

This was such a good reminder for me. Firstly, that no one is perfect. And secondly, we can’t always believe the stories we make up in our heads about other people.

I know so many of you will have experienced this — we see something about a person and then assume a hundred other things about them, then start comparing ourselves with them. It’s especially easy in this age of social media to spiral into this ‘they have everything together’ type of thinking.

No one is perfect

Though I’m sure I’m not the first to say this, this is something we all need to be constantly reminded of. Most of people probably won’t reach a point where we never compare, but I do believe it’s possible to build self-worth that’s so grounded that we know whatever happens doesn’t subtract from our worth.

Perfectionism as a coping mechanism

Many psychologists and therapists say that perfectionism is a coping mechanism. It stems from experiences during childhood where we may have been criticised, felt the pressure to succeed, or that we couldn’t measure up.

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”

And so, we use perfectionism as an armour. We think that when we have the perfect career, body, bank account, maybe we will feel good enough. But working harder (or being fitter, cooler) is not actually how we improve our self-worth.

In fact, all it does is reinforce the fear that we’re not worthy just being us.

The most self-assured people I’ve met are highly aware of their own flaws. They’re able to laugh at themselves, their messiness, their chaos, while not making it mean anything about their worth. That to me is a form of success: the ability to not let anything or anyone outside of us define our worth.

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Shedding perfectionism

Part of shedding perfectionism looks like accepting that we’re all human and that humans make mistakes or incorrect judgments. We’re all ‘imperfect’ in different ways and that’s okay. In fact, more and more, I trust the writers, influencers and people in general who are aware of their flaws. It’s more relatable and more authentic.

The last few weeks of 2025 is the ideal time to reflect on what perfectionism looks like to us, and how we can let go of that a bit more:

• When you picture a ‘perfect person’, what comes up in your head?

• Is there anyone in your community you think is perfect? What traits do you see in them that make them appear perfect? Is this a fact or an assumption?

• What is one aspect of your life, or one trait that you consider imperfect?

• What if you embraced that part of your humanity instead?

Shedding perfectionism isn’t about being careless or irresponsible, it’s about being real and being human.

Note: ‘shedding perfectionism’ is not an excuse for not showing up as a responsible, ethical person.

Two lessons I’ve learnt about perfectionism